I have always left restrictive situations. Demanding jobs - not just hard, but the ones that expected me to change who I was when I was at work - controlling people, clingy lovers. Once I felt that my freedom was being compromised I would go.
And yet, I yearn for structure. I am drawn to it. I seek out situations that give me structure, and then I leave.
I know that within the framework of a situation I can create something beautiful. Any given relationship, world, fiction, project, endeavor, has its own rules that give it shape, and that shape influences everything that arises within it.
I find my best art is made by my struggle against the limitations of my materials. I push boundaries, explore the outer reaches of where I can go with any given medium, and on the edges of possibility I find a pure beauty. The moment of falling apart that is also the moment of coming together.
The instant when an object or concept begins to shatter, when you see the structure clearly as it gives way. The perfect millisecond of time when you can see something in two phases at once: together, and apart, whole and not whole, there and not there. This is the moment I strive for in my art, my music, my life.
I want the beginning and the end, the becoming and the falling apart. I want it all. At the same time.