I am the worst type of person: a romantic idealist. I see and want the very best in people. I will not settle for less.
I lose friends because I am intolerant of their choices. We all go through hard times, but when I see people actively and willfully choosing to stay in the same comfortable rut instead of facing a challenge which points in the direction of where they want to go I just get so disappointed.
I do not want pure women to stay with cheating men, or passionate men to stay with bitter women, or for people of any gender to stay with anyone who denies such a beautiful part of them.
I can see it all so clearly, this hard precise diamond of my perception, it is not a nice metaphor, the hardest substance. I cut everyone who touches me.
I'm not a good friend. Too demanding. I want your best. Your very best. And I think you want it to.
I've started writing a comment four different times to this. Fuck the practical nice way of going about this.
ReplyDeletePeople who can't be good to them selves are in a world of trouble. If there's a problem, it needs to be changed. If someone is unhappy they need to find the steps to happiness. Life's too short and the worlds too fucking complicated to be 'unhappy' or be in 'unjust' relations. I do feel though that sometimes people who are in bad situations can't see what's going on and they need a swift kick in the ass to get them moving. If the kick doesn't work, then that's something that an outside source most likely isn't going to help them with.
I don't blame you for not putting up with this. Then again, I'm pretty fucking queer in most aspects of life. Oh well.
I've heard it said that people are more afraid of the light within them than the dark. I can relate. It seems that every time the potential to do something amazing comes up, there is a fear inside of me that pulls my will into it like a black hole.
ReplyDeleteBut that black hole has been shrinking. I become restless as I find myself simply holding ground. And, I believe that it's friends like you, who do create something beautiful and diamond hard with their life that makes the discomfort with the rut too hard to bare.
It can hurt when you show disappointment to a friend, but in the same way that it hurts to practice just about anything to precision.
And your right, everyone wants to give their best to this world. And everyone needs a person that they can look up to who will not compromise what they believe in order to spare them the hardness of their beliefs. It's like another gravitional force to help keep us from the fear. Thank you for that, this world needs that now more than ever. =)
I am also a romantic idealist, but in addition I have pretty severe social anxiety disorder. Because of this, I have a hard time making friends and tend to cling to the ones I have. This tends to backfire, however, because I am like you in that I want people to be their best- but I cannot express it. Instead I become disappointed, occasionally angry, and the relationship deteriorates until there is nothing left to salvage. And I am back where I started. Rinse, lather, repeat.
ReplyDeleteI was hoping that in typing all this out I would come to some grand conclusion about people and perception and human nature. I haven't. Instead I've realized that there are in fact other people with "diamond minds" out there. (I knew this before on at least some level, but seeing someone else put it into words is comforting. I am not good with words.) Maybe this is better.
I have always needed friends of diamond. I have not always had them. I have always spoken the truth but not always lived it.
ReplyDeleteIt took me a long time to get this place and these friends. You have a head start, it will be hard but it will be worth it.