Monday, February 1, 2010

Hit. And. Run.

I couldn't sleep due to the inexplicable smell of burnt marshmallow. Then I was crying. Then I remembered why I was crying: because I watched a man get run over by a car.

I was in my car, at a stoplight, a pedestrian crossed in front of me, not five feet away. A car peeled away from the curb on the cross street, driver's door swinging open still, the car veered sharply into the crosswalk. The pedestrian was hit, sucked under, and run over by front wheel. Crunch. Back wheel. Crunch.

Moments of emergency become hard crystalline structures, they obstruct the malleable flow of the mind. Shock.

Images when I close my eyes. The way a body flails.

He was 'conscious' when I got out of the car, people rushed in, his friend pulled on his arm, tried to pick him up, we shouted to stop moving him.

"Someone just jacked that car and hit that guy!" I heard someone say, "He just jumped into that car and stole it and hit that guy."

People took off their coats and made pillows and blankets, called 911. Cared.

I moved my car out of the way of incoming emergency vehicles and sat, shaking and shocked.

I said the world is broken. But the world isn't broken. Not more, not less. Just more of the same. Just more people stealing cars, running people over.

I said, the world is broken. But what I meant was, I am broken. A piece of me broke that night two weeks ago. A piece of me broke and fell into the pile of broken pieces that I carry with me everywhere.

It feels like I am floating most of the time, flying sometimes. My feet barely touch the ground. But every time part of me breaks it stops flying, becomes heavy, something I must carry. A collection of shards that we all share.

Someone ran over someone else and kept driving. And I cannot imagine how awful that would feel, and how much closing off and denying of myself I would have to do to be able to carry on about my days after doing something like that, or how awful life would be if I was stealing cars and killing people. My heart skips a few beats and I am so sad. And I want to love them, and show them they are loved, and worthy of love and that life is hard without making it harder for yourself and other people. And I want to show you that you are worthy of love, and that love is energy, not a romantic notion, and that energy is what makes up everything that we are, and were, and will be. And that no one is beneath love, because they are love, and love is energy, and energy is everything.

I feel like I have run over a man in the crosswalk. And that breaks me. And I feel like I was run over by a car, which breaks me. It hardly matters that my body was not in that car, and not on that pavement, because I feel it all.

And it feels like floating, and falling. And it feels like carrying broken pieces.

And it smells like burnt marshmallow.


  1. I am sorry you had to witness that. I am sorry we live in a world where this happens. I am sending you warm and loving thoughts from Sheri & I.

  2. I can't begin to imagine what that must have been like. Your description was eloquent and heartbreaking and throws into sharp relief not only the horrific apathy of people but the potential for compassion of their witnesses.

    Better that you carry around the shard than use it to cut away the experience, though. I hope that you always find your self lighter than your load.

  3. What a horrible sight. No wonder it haunts you.

  4. That is a horrible thing to have witnessed. You are a true artist and you bear witness to the world with an open heart that feels all. That makes it so much harder to see the darkness of humanity.

    I wish I had the power to take them from you, to just erase that terrible scene from your mind. I believe that these Pieces that fall off of us do get lighter. In time we digest them, we break them down and reuse the the components to fly further and higher. It takes time and so much has happened to you so fast it I understand that you may not feel that way right now. I am so sorry. I love you and everything you do to make this world brighter for humanity. Please know there is a pipeline of love from my (and many others, I'm sure) hear to yours. <3

  5. I've been that unlucky someone who hit and killed a pedestrian. Having lived through that experience I felt I should be able to give you some words of comfort. I'm at a loss for words.

    You will be okay. These kinds of wounds do heal. It's not to say that you will ever be the same as you were before that experience, but you will be okay. I am. It just takes time.

  6. Hug. Sorry, I just guess you could use one.

    And I feel sorry I can't make this world much better than it is. I know we can't accept it as it is, at least not all the time. Guess that's natural, too.

    You're really as fragile (and precious) as your music hints you are.

  7. wow, i love how you describe everything pertaining to energy.. i think of emotion as energy in motion..sometimes i feel like we live in such a horrible world and its hard to see the beauty in it.. people for the most part have built over or destoyed it in some manner.. but you have to find that beauty.. sit and listen to the sounds of nature and block out all thats manmade .. its hard to do because we are so used to our world but really listen to mother nature for just a second.. it is a beautiful thing.. think of how beautiful peaceful and quiet it is when there is a snowstorm and everyone is sitting comfortably in their homes.. these are the things that i try to do when overcoming an obstacle in my course or journey in life.. everything happens for a reason.. its a lesson to learn from and grow from.. i apologize for being so long winded..

  8. The world is filled with endless tragedy, there is no stemming the tide. All the best of us can hope to do is stand in the tide of sorrow and help others to stand with us. Perhaps one day we will be a wall against the sea.