Wednesday, November 4, 2009

The vague, yet unmistakable, feeling that I am doing everything wrong.

I can be thrown into a spiral of doubt by just about anything. Looking into the mirror at my tired face spirals into me being ugly, into being ugly on the inside for even worrying about being ugly on the outside, spirals into being untalented as well, into having nothing to offer the world, into I'm doing everything wrong.

And then you may find me all dressed and ready to go -- coat, scarves, hat, boots -- lying prone on the floor, staring at the ceiling and muttering about failure.

"But everything was going so well," you say, "just moments ago you were singing about the snow and all ready to go out for hot chocolate and art."

Yes, it was all going so well, and then I started listening to myself again. I should not listen to my own opinion of myself, it's really terrible.

I am a happy person: singing, clapping, skipping down the street in my bright red wool cape that makes me look like little red riding hood.

I am a brave person: I smile at strangers, ask drug dealers for directions, walk into blind alleys looking for underground concerts in the middle of the night.

I am a sad person: haunted constantly by my inability to affect or even comprehend the atrocities that are perpetrated on this planet.

I am a depressed person: thinking about myself in endless, deepening spirals of doubt and pain. And then nothing.

I am a person: conflicted, afflicted, affected, defected, detected, defeated, seated here on a couch in Berlin, thinking this piece of writing too solipsistic to be of interest to anyone else, and too banal to be of interest to me.

Thinking I may post it on the internet anyway just because I am the type of person that will ask a drug dealer for directions, and skip and sing, and cry on the floor, all at the same time.


This was written after receiving 6 comments and several emails about my blog.

I certainly did not mean to sound whiney or overly sad. While I do often succumb to depression at this time of year I wrote this blog to communicate rather the momentary spirals of doubt which afflict me. My thought was that since most people go through the same doubts someone mind find solace in my words.

I wasn't fishing for compliments or to be told to stop whining and "do" something. I just wanted to get over myself out loud - as it were.

And then I played music.

And now I'm going to the opera.

p.s. Thank you for loving me back!


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  2. I wish I could tell you that it all gets easier but it really doesn't. I am my own worse critic and it lead to years of unhappiness as I walked away from what I love to do most in the world.

    Surround yourself with honest loving friends. People who you trust to be honest. Just never walk away from that which makes you happy.

    And when you can't overcome the unmistakable feeling that you are doing something wrong, find your friends who I am sure would love to help you through those moments. It's payback really for all the joy you bring into our lives.

  3. In a moment like this where others have doubt that happens to coincide with a moment where I have none, I want to hold the vulnerable one to my chest to remind them[you] that we are all one in this world and everything is indeed all... right.


  4. When I have days of feeling like this, hormones are usually to blame, making my brain do nasty things to me.

    The past few days, I've had a vague but unmistakable feeling that everything is probably okay.

    I will try my hardest to transmit some of this positivity to you, telapathically. I will point my mind in the direction of Berlin and send out waves of "Kim, I like what you do and how you do it. It makes me happy, and inspires me to want to do stuff too. You are certainly far from talentless, nor are you ugly, inside or outside. Now go and make a snowman, because it's there, because you can, and life is beautiful."



  5. Kim, you must accept yourself.

    You ARE very talented + you make others around you happy, you are hard working and determined!

    and in doubt of your own advice, ask others - or even writing things down like you did here should help:)

    learn to you have to believe in yourself and then others will too:)

  6. you know you're awesome, but you just aren't feeling quite so awesome at this current juncture of time and space. quit your whining and make some art. you can't think quite so much when your hands are busy.

  7. It's nice to know others feel the same way you do, it's comforting in many ways.

    Yesterday I woke up grouchy because of something a friend said that may possibly crush something I had been desperately hoping for. Today I woke up frustrated and deeply upset by the news of one of my lovely home states being corrupted by banning marriage and by losing a partner in a big project I'm working on on how to make a feasibly reproducible free medical model for clinics and hospitals. (Aka 'health care reform' on a level). These things have thrown me into a pool of self doubt and frustration, made me wonder if I can really handle everything I'm trying to do lately.

    Today has been a day of self doubt.

    Three days ago I was running around covered in fake blood and glitter, jumping on stages and dancing like no one was watching. I couldn't have been happier.

    I've noticed that internal emotional turmoil is hardest on those who are making a difference not only in them selves, but the world around them.

    Remember, we're superheroes Kim and for us, Tinkerbell isn't dead.


  8. That is my life! I think it's more people's life than you think. Being the type of person who is in tune with your emotions and not one who hides from them or covers them leaves you to suffer them, to feel them. But also to get over them and see what lies below, which i oten very beautiful.

    Often times durring any given week I have convinced myself that somehow I've caused everyone in my life to dislike me. This rarley turns out to be the case. So many times I've heard that I need to develop more confidence, but I don't think so. I think it's these moments of self doubt that keep me humble. And when the time comes to do something, I do it with a deeper confidence that what people are telling me to 'develope'.

    I am sorry that you have these dark times, but then again, they are part what makes you you, and I think you are pretty amazing. It's nice to be reminded every once in a while that other people deal with these moments, even our heros, and that we are all human. Thank you for sharing a bit of your darkness, and if it does help the next time it comes around to know I think you are amazing, I say it with full honesty =)

  9. I can completely relate.
    Right now laying in the snow in a red riding hood coat dreaming of hot chocolate feels appealing.
    Don't drown, you are a mermaid!