A friend of mine recently asked why I sometimes do not respond to her emotionally charged and urgent emails. I explained that sometimes, many times, I just start thinking about what to say and then keep thinking and follow each thought on to the next thought and the inner conversation splits and wanders and then simultaneous but divergent paths suddenly cross and meld into each other and basically I just get locked inside my own head.
Like a princess locked in a tower of solitude, not knowing that she's even locked in. Needing to be rescued but thinking everything is fine. Thinking. Thinking. Thinking.
Another friend was exasperated because I have been so quiet as of late. I tried to counter that I hadn't been quiet, and the truth is that to me I have not been quiet. I just forget that the conversations in my head do not always (and these days rarely) make it out into the world at large.
But so many people have been confused about what I am doing with my life that I realized I haven't been forthcoming at all about the fact that I have been confused about what I am doing with my life.
Things are changing. I'm moving on. Zoe is making a solo album and focusing on the promotion and touring with that (it sounds great.) The band is taking a vacation from itself. My living situation in Oakland is coming to an end.
I've been unmoored of late. A little adrift. Not sure what is next for me. Clearly I will continue to make art and music, but I wasn't sure how to do it on my own.
About performing solo I feel abject terror. Shaking, nausea, curl up in a ball and never come out, terror. The past four and a half years I have devoted myself entirely to Vermillion Lies. Every waking second has been consumed with the creation, promotion, joy and pain of this band. And for whatever reason I haven't felt that what I have for my solo career is good enough to promote.
SO...I bought myself a new guitar, some new pedals, set a strict regimen of practice everyday. I am writing new songs, learning more about music, arranging, crafting. I play at open mics and in coffee shops and living rooms to get over my fear.
And you know what? I really really love what I'm doing now. My songs are flowing in a really great way and I'm actually excited to share what I have inside me.
I even have some concrete plans:
I'm doing a one week west coast tour with Mark Growden. Come out and see what I'm doing, and if you want to help promote you can download a poster here: www.kimboekbinder.com/posters
8/15 Nevada City
I'm recording a little bit in August with a very wonderful producer named Sean Slade (Dresden Dolls, Pixies, Radiohead - seriously Google him.) I have two shows on the East Coast in August:
And then I plan to spend three months in Berlin developing my songs further so that I can come back with a set of finished pieces to record with Sean in December or January.
Why Berlin? Because it is amazing, cheap, and inspiring. There is music and art everywhere in Berlin and I need a culture of creativity. I also plan to tour a little bit in Europe which will be easier from a Berlin base.
But before all of this I have a show in Oakland on Saturday at 8pm PST with my good friends: Corpus Callosum. The show will be webcast here (I play at 9:15 PST - but don't miss Corpus Callosum)
I feel overwhelming gratitude for my life and friends and loves. Thank you for keeping up with me, for following our band, my sister, my art, my octo-shirts, and my new solo music. I'm going to be blogging more, sharing new songs and the recording process and asking for input and guidance along the way.
And my hair is the color of the sunrise:
Or perhaps a little like a Pheonix rising....