Thursday, December 31, 2009
Catharsis on a blue moon
One by one my lovers come. They call, they write, they wish me the best. Wish for a kiss.
I am alone. And perhaps the best New Year's Eves I've had have been spent alone, quietly contemplating. I see people posting about how 2009 was a hard year, good riddance. But, I think, don't we say that about every year? Life is hard, it gets harder, each year is worse. I didn't want to cast the stones, but...
...2009 was hard. I lost love, my band, my innocence. I know I'm still young, but a large part of my invincibility died this year when I saw my father in that hospital bed. Everything ends. I always knew. But beneath my knowledge of endings there was also the belief that nothing ever ends.
And it doesn't.
But it does.
People leave. They die. They tell you they are moving on to solo careers. They tell you they are not in love with you anymore. Or they say nothing. They are just gone.
I miss my band. So much. I miss believing that my father was a constant, unchangeable force in the world. I miss love. Just love. I miss being invincible - even if other people found it intolerable. I miss my cats, having a home, and feeling safe.
I love my new music, my friends old and new, the new possibilities in my life. I love my family, and my art. I love being unencumbered by things like home, and bills, and jobs. I love being able to travel.
I'm moving forward. With grief. With relief. With acceptance. With anger. With sadness. With love.
New Year's Eve is always cathartic, intense. And this year is also a new decade. And a blue moon. How many arbitrary numbers align to add an extra kick to just another night.
I am uncompromising in my need to create. I wish for all who read this to be a little bit more this way. Compromise makes us safe. And let me tell you, I am not safe. But I am free. And if you can find a better balance, between safety and freedom, between home and passion, between reason and insanity, then do it.
Goodnight friends - though when you read this the night will be over.
I am the walrus.