Thursday, December 31, 2009

Catharsis on a blue moon



One by one my lovers come. They call, they write, they wish me the best. Wish for a kiss.

I am alone. And perhaps the best New Year's Eves I've had have been spent alone, quietly contemplating. I see people posting about how 2009 was a hard year, good riddance. But, I think, don't we say that about every year? Life is hard, it gets harder, each year is worse. I didn't want to cast the stones, but...

...2009 was hard. I lost love, my band, my innocence. I know I'm still young, but a large part of my invincibility died this year when I saw my father in that hospital bed. Everything ends. I always knew. But beneath my knowledge of endings there was also the belief that nothing ever ends.

And it doesn't.

But it does.

People leave. They die. They tell you they are moving on to solo careers. They tell you they are not in love with you anymore. Or they say nothing. They are just gone.

I miss my band. So much. I miss believing that my father was a constant, unchangeable force in the world. I miss love. Just love. I miss being invincible - even if other people found it intolerable. I miss my cats, having a home, and feeling safe.

I love my new music, my friends old and new, the new possibilities in my life. I love my family, and my art. I love being unencumbered by things like home, and bills, and jobs. I love being able to travel.

I'm moving forward. With grief. With relief. With acceptance. With anger. With sadness. With love.

New Year's Eve is always cathartic, intense. And this year is also a new decade. And a blue moon. How many arbitrary numbers align to add an extra kick to just another night.

I am uncompromising in my need to create. I wish for all who read this to be a little bit more this way. Compromise makes us safe. And let me tell you, I am not safe. But I am free. And if you can find a better balance, between safety and freedom, between home and passion, between reason and insanity, then do it.

Goodnight friends - though when you read this the night will be over.

I am the walrus.

6 comments:

  1. Wishing you a happy New Year, Kim.

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  2. I have not exactly rung in the year the way I was hoping (stupid food poisoning) but I did have a year I am sad to see go. I agree with you that every year is hard but it took me a long time in life to realize the journey is worth it. The pain, the failure, the desperation, ther friends, the joy, the love.

    You inspire me, it is the greatest compliment I know how to give. You have helped me to be uncompromising in my need to create. I am in a different place because you decided to create and share 30 songs.

    I have written everyday since I decided to follow you on your journey. I will write everyday until I die. Thank you so very much for reminding me what it is to be an artist, what it is to be me. :)
    ----

    One thing I can tell you is you got to be free

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  3. I'm moving forward. With grief. With relief. With acceptance. With anger. With sadness. With love. True words to live by. Thank you for sharing yourself with all of us!!!

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  4. I think all the crap 2009 threw at me has just made me stronger. I've never been more resolved to make a year amazing than for 2010. Let's stand together and make something great out of this next 365-ish days! xxx

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  5. Happy New Year Kim! What a beautiful reflection on this past year.I'm so sorry it was so hard. Some of these things that you have lost just dodn't come back. But, we all lose them sooner or later, and watching how each time you have changed and made something beautiful with the spaces left behind has been inspiring.

    We have so much to learn from art and an artist's way of trasmuting life into something beautiful. I am so greaful for what you do, and for how you share so much of how you do it.

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